


Gems and Recreation

by bob_eclipsa_smith



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Amethyst is Donna, Connie is Ben Wyatt, Crack, F/F, F/M, Garnet is Ron Swanson, Gen, Jasper is Jerry Gergich, Lapis is April Ludgate, Lars is Tom Haverford, Parks and Rec AU, Pearl is Ann Perkins, Peridot is Andy Dwyer, Rose is Chris Traeger, Steven is Leslie Knope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 05:58:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13711329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bob_eclipsa_smith/pseuds/bob_eclipsa_smith
Summary: “Hi! I’m Steven Universe of the Crystal Gems!”Or, the Parks and Rec AU that no one asked for. (crack)





	Gems and Recreation

**Author's Note:**

> Basically this is something I thought of at 1 AM and it’s probably gonna be a bunch of drabbles of different Parks and Rec episodes. If this gets popular enough I’ll take episode requests from comments. :)

On a gorgeous day in Beach City, a little girl plays on the beach with her toys, blissfully unaware of the strange boy coming to talk to her. He taps her on the shoulder. She turns around slowly, looking him up and down, from his sandals to the giant star on his shirt. “Hi!” He says with a blinding smile. “I’m Steven Universe of the Crystal Gems!”

She looks at him. Frowns. Goes back to playing with her little toy pig.

“Would you say you’re having a lot of fun playing on the beach?”

“...”

“ _Some_ fun playing on this beach?”

“...”

“...mooooderate fun playing on this beach?”

“Hey, Mr. Universe! Ronaldo’s throwing trash on the beach again!”

“On it!” He runs away, yelling something incoherent to Ronaldo, who immediately dashed away upon seeing Steven in pursuit. “Hey! Hey, dude! You can’t throw trash here! This is a public beach!”

“It’s not trash, Steven! I was appeasing the aliens! They’re all coming for us, Steven! We only have three hours to live!”

“Get back here, Ronaldo! No trash throwing on the beach!” The girl stares after them. One second passes. Then two. She goes back to playing with her pig toy.

“I’d say working as a Crystal Gem’s pretty fun,” Steven says, out of breath. “I mean, when you’re not out saving the world, you’re stopping weird guys like Ronaldo.” A tentative smile. “Yeah, people in Beach City are kinda almost weirder than the gems we come across.” The smile stretches artificially. “Yeah no they’re totally weirder. But being a half gem is really cool! Cause you get the job of interacting with all the awesome citizens of Beach City and saving the universe.”

“Steven!” Ronaldo cries, throwing a heap of trash onto the table where Steven’s seated. “You need to protect yourself, dude! The aliens are coming in like–“ a quick glance to his watch. “Two hours and fifty-three minutes! It is our sworn duty to protect the citizens of Beach City!”

Steven pats Ronaldo on the wrist. “I’ll come help in a sec, Ronaldo.”

Ronaldo grins, running off while throwing trash like confetti where he goes. “PROTECT BEACH CITY!” He bellows.

Steven looks at the camera. “Yep. Great time to be a Crystal Gem.”

~

“Okay so tonight’s the night we talk to people,” Garnet says, her hands knitted behind her head. “I nominate Steven to do all the talking.”

“Yay! That’s tonight?! CRYSTAL GEMS IN BEACH CITY! Whoop, whoop!!!”

Silence. Steven coughs.

“Right. Steven talks so we don’t need to.” Garnet deadpans. “And we need one more. Who wants in?” Garnet looks around the table at the other Crystal Gems present. Amethyst twiddles her thumbs. Jasper looks down at her paperwork, conveniently avoiding Garnet’s eye. Lars, the newest Crystal Gem, stares blatantly at the ceiling.

“I choose Lars.” Garnet chooses bluntly.

There’s a collective sigh of relief from the others.

He looks at her. Rolls his eyes. “Ugh. Fine.”

~

“Isn’t this awesome, Lars?” Steven asks as he skips ahead of the pink man who stalks behind him, hands in his pockets. “Just you and me, takin’ on the public. Lars and Steven. Steven and Lars. Lars and Steven. Steeeeven and Lars!”

“Dude. No.”

“Awwww.” Steven pouts but he goes silent.

One second passes. Two then three. Lars remembers the blissful sound of silence for the briefest of instances before…

“This is where we meet the citizens of Beach City, the elementary school audi–“

“Steven, it’s not like I haven’t done this before–“

“We need to be on our game, Lars! Okay! Ready?!”

“No.”

“Good! Let’s go!”

~

“That went awesome!” Steven tells the camera after the meeting. “We got so many great points! So many ways that we can make the community better!”

“No it wasn’t,” Lars says. “Lapis showed up, proclaimed her great love for Satan and attempted to–“

“Lapis will be Lapis.” Steven tells Lars dismissively. “At least this time she didn’t bring the butcher knife and the fake blood.”

“...”

“...”

“True,” Lars says. “She scares me sometimes.”

Steven nods shakily, turning to the camera to clarify. “Yeah… Lapis is kinda like the baby of the Crystal Gems.”

Steven and Lars share a quick glance.

“She just does what she wants…”

“Yeah,” Lars chimes in sarcastically. “You know, if babies were basically freaking demons who threaten to scoop your eyes out with melon ballers when they don’t get their way.”

Steven grimaces. “...has she done that to you before?”

“Three times. One time she was feeling creative and threatened to have my skin stripped off slowly to be used as a winter coat.”

“...Oh.”

~

“Steven likes to call us ‘the Crystal Gems’,” Garnet tells the camera as she twiddles with one of guns on her desk. “We’re really the Parks and Recreation department of Beach City but he’s so adamant about thinking we actually matter. Technically, I’m the boss… but since Steven likes work so much, I just let him do all of it. I like to boss people around so that’s what I do.” Garnet pulls out the gun and a corner of her mouth tilts up in a small smirk. “Yeah they follow my orders pretty well.”

~

“Yeah so I’m Pearl. I’m not really a member of the Parks department but I’d like to think I’m Steven’s best friend… ever since we started building that park in the old lot we’ve gotten super close! I mean… sure he fell in a bunch of times but… I’d like to think we’ve gotten to be good friends.” Pearl glances down the hall nervously.

“Hey, PEARL!” Comes a nasally call from the living room. Pearl visibly sags, and glares daggers to the unseen person around the corner. “Camp Pining Hearts is on and I can’t find the remote!”

Pearl glances back and sighs. “My girlfriend, Peridot fell into the pit in the back of my house. She kinda relies on me for everything now.” A deliberately heavy sigh. “And I mean _everything_.”

“Pearl! Are you coming?!”

“Yeah! I’ll be there in a minute!” She calls to Peridot.

 _Please help me_. Pearl mouths before taking off down the corridor.

~

“Yeah I work in the Parks department,” Amethyst says, putting her feet up on her desk indolently. “It’s my day job. My night job, of course is classified. Or, none of your business. I like dogs, I like cool chairs and I like the color purple. I also like having sex with strangers. What? Purple’s a good color. Looks good with my skin tone.”

~

“My name’s Lapis Lazuli. I’m a professional drinker and a psychopathic serial killer. I hate this job, my life and everything else that’s alive or dead.” She pauses, as if to think for a second. “Also I see dead people. One time a decapitated girl was in my bathtub. There was blood everywhere, it was really cool.”

~

“Okay, people! Here we go. This is Connie Mahes-something,” Garnet says, adjusting her glasses and gesturing to the girl standing next to her, who looks dwarfed in comparison to Garnet. “She’s good with math and stuff so she’ll be the new...accountant, I guess.”

“I’m going to help you with your budget.” Connie supplies with a small smile. “And it’s Maheswaran.” She adds as an afterthought. “Connie’s good, though, you can call me Connie.”

“Cool.” Amethyst puts up a thumbs up.

“Nice to meet you.” Jasper smiles at her.

“Shut up, Jasper.” Lapis says without looking up from her cuticles.

“Uhhhhh… hi.” Steven stammers, face as red as a tomato. Connie waves awkwardly to the boy, glancing uneasily to Garnet who shrugs.

Garnet appears to stare at Steven for a moment. “Okay. That was weird. I’ll be in my office if anyone needs me. Please. Don’t need me. Lapis, keep them away from me.”

Lapis holds up an affirming thumb, still not looking up from her cuticles.

“Do I think working here will be fun?” Connie asks the camera. “I honestly have no idea. Steven seems fun and the purple woman seems cool. I know Lars from school. But… I really don’t know about the rest…”

~

“I’m Jasper. I like to knit, paint and–“

“Jasper, no one cares about your social life!” Amethyst cries from her desk, raising her head from her nail filing.

“O...okay.” She rolls her eyes, dropping her voice to a whisper. “Everyone here hates me and I constantly fear for my safety.” Jasper glances uneasily to Lapis, who is currently finger slitting her throat with slow deliberation, mouthing _I’m gonna kill you,_ to Jasper.

Jasper turns wide eyed to the camera. “Please help me.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the best/worst thing I have ever created in my life.


End file.
